Dystopion

So, guess the header sums it all up. I really tried, I tried for a long time, he is an amazing person, and still, somehow it all just felt so wrong. I just get depression, anxiety, guilt, fatigue of spending time with him. I feel so shitty about it. He's an amazing guy, anyone would be so incredibly lucky to have someone like him. But still. I feel like I'm incapable of loving someone new, letting someone in. I really tried, and it's something I've really been longing for for so many years, but still, even then. I don't know if its because I'm gay, or completely asexual, or if I've developed some kind of mental disorder which blocks me from growing bonds with people. I just feel overall apathy, shame, guilt, greif. I feel dead all the time. Just like my body is a shell, and my soul is damaged. The only time I feel truly hole is when I'm with my sister. I love my mom, cousin, grandma and aunt. But my sister, my love for her just over goes it all. I love h...

 I haven't written any updates in a while. Guess its about time now... I'm still alive, for now, so, yeah. Not quite sure what to write about. But, I guess I'll start with the fact that I'm now being checked for ME/ CFS. Or, chronic fatigue syndrome for those who don't know. My doctor said she's already convinced that I have it, but for formal reasons, I have to answer forms and get my iron levels back on normal etc to get the official diagnosis. My mood has been... Swingy as usual. I also got payed back quite a bit on my insurance from the time I spent in hospital. So, that's how I managed to get the e-bike I've been wanting to buy for so long now finally. I didn't think I'd be able to get it before next spring, but positively surprised. I haven't used it too much yet, due to bad weather and my general well being. But I did use it on my way last time to my doctor. And 2 biking trips, on better days or evenings rather. It was in the nick of t...

Constant war in my head. Live or die. It's so tiresome. I don't know what to do or how to cope. I'm just out of words as well. I don't know what to say, think or write about anymore. I have periods where my mood is just flat, and then I have the really depressive drops. Suicidal idealization and imagination non stop.  I'm trying to distract myself, with art, games, series, car rides... Nothing works. Nothing gives me joy, and even things that used to help me to some degrees are starting to fail. I have met "D" multiple times now. It's been nice. I've had good times, and been talkative, and worse days. Last time he held my hand during the whole car trip. It was nice, but also so unknown territory for me. It scares me.  I know I'm probably closer than ever to maybe get a life, colorful days, new experiences, feeling as if someone needs me, want me, appreciate me, and not being a burden at the same time. But why, even now, why do I still want to k...

Recently just got to know that, just my adult psychiatric journal, or notes or whatever written from my time in the psychiatry, is basically a whole book. 100+ pages. I had literally no clue before the team leader wanted to sart seeing me on top of the mtt people that comes 3 times a week. Not gonna lie, I thought there was probably max 7 pages, but this knowlage made me really curious about what has been written about me. The team leader has apparently taken an interest in me since I've had so much problems for so long and shit doesn't seem to get better. So, idk, I guess he wanted to get to know me as a person, and not only everything he reads about me that is only based on my sicknesses.  I don't have a job. I'm living on disability. But, following up on this mental health thing is basically a part time job. Getting visits from mtt 3 times a week, amb team every monday, my doc twice a month and now the leader of mtt once a week also.  It's a safety I suppose, to ...

It feels so great. And I just want to lose the weight that I've gained... I don't want to binge and purge all the time, but today I've only restricted, and in a way, it feels nice. The feeling of being hungry is kind of numbing, its addictive, its nice. Maybe if I can just try to stick to this and now go over board on binge and purge and bulimia crap, maybe I can lose some weight again without exhausting myself and destroying my teeth and esophagus? Idk, one part of me says its a bad idea, because I don't wanna relapse. But, honestly, idek. If its me or my ed voice speaking, but restrictive ed is so much better than bulimia out of control. Its less exhausting to be able to just restrict/ not eat, than purge all day, then again, it craves much more dedication.

Its such a strange, scary feeling. Letting someone in, letting someone love me, be vulnerable. Why does even this make me contemplate suicide? It's easier to die than to be loved? What is wrong with me? Why do half of me want to be left alone, while the other half of me screams and longs for something more? This is so tiresome. I don't know what to do. One part of me long for something better. Not being alone. But its so unknown for me. I'm so used to being alone. Being hated, being ditched. I don't know if I can handle this. I feel like, letting him in idk how I can handle it. But I know I'll also regret it if I don't. Its so exhausting. My mom told me to take one day at a time, and don't make impulsive decisions during one of my episodes. I'm trying. It's so hard. I'm so tempted to OD, or slit my wrists, I can't even....

So, I'll not mention any names for the sake of being anonymous and protecting other's identities, but his name starts with D so I'll just call him D. I've been speaking with him for around 7 months now. We met on tinder, (Lol I know don't judge lmao) Anyways, he's been really patience with me, waiting for me when I've been in hospital for so long, and I've met him in real life now twice. Last time was yesterday. We just drove around for like 5 hours, and went for a walk and talked non-stop. Feels like we have really good chemistry, he's really respectful, very understanding and patient and kind. Apparently, we have some common interests as well, and he's really optimistic and very ambitious. He has a good education, and dreams of traveling and wants to take me with him. I don't really know what to say. He talks to me every day on message, and I'm not used to having someone like me like this. Usually I would have blocked him out of fear of...