I don't know what to do with myself

Constant war in my head. Live or die. It's so tiresome. I don't know what to do or how to cope. I'm just out of words as well. I don't know what to say, think or write about anymore. I have periods where my mood is just flat, and then I have the really depressive drops.
Suicidal idealization and imagination non stop. 

I'm trying to distract myself, with art, games, series, car rides... Nothing works. Nothing gives me joy, and even things that used to help me to some degrees are starting to fail.

I have met "D" multiple times now. It's been nice. I've had good times, and been talkative, and worse days. Last time he held my hand during the whole car trip. It was nice, but also so unknown territory for me. It scares me. 

I know I'm probably closer than ever to maybe get a life, colorful days, new experiences, feeling as if someone needs me, want me, appreciate me, and not being a burden at the same time. But why, even now, why do I still want to kill myself? Why? I'm just so tired of life, and everything. I have nothing to go on. I feel like I can't find joy no matter what.

Would it be better to just finish it? Better now than later? When people are even closer and more dependent on me.

I'm trying to dream of a future, make plans, heck, maybe even explore the world, or move in with D. But why do I still feel so depressed? Why do I still feel so fatigued all the time? I don't know if I have much more to give. I feel like I have had enough of what life has to offer, even though I've only experienced the hard parts of it. I don't have energy or even the life gnist to even spend on anything that could maybe help.

My appetite is disappearing again. Idk if its ED related or depression related, or maybe a mix. Who knows. Maybe I could just starve myself to death..

I can't sleep without Seroquel. What is even my purpose?

I just want it all to end. I want peace of mind. I don't want to be alone, or anxious, or feel like a burden anymore. I don't wanna be depressed anymore. 

My mom and my sister are coming over to my place tomorrow. To watch a movie or something. Maybe I'll just kms when they leave. I just want to spend my last time with them and be close to them.

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