I don't know what to do with myself

Constant war in my head. Live or die. It's so tiresome. I don't know what to do or how to cope. I'm just out of words as well. I don't know what to say, think or write about anymore. I have periods where my mood is just flat, and then I have the really depressive drops.Suicidal idealization and imagination non stop. 
I'm trying to distract myself, with art, games, series, car rides... Nothing works. Nothing gives me joy, and even things that used to help me to some degrees are starting to fail.
I have met "D" multiple times now. It's been nice. I've had good times, and been talkative, and worse days. Last time he held my hand during the whole car trip. It was nice, but also so unknown territory for me. It scares me. 
I know I'm probably closer than ever to maybe get a life, colorful days, new experiences, feeling as if someone needs me, want me, appreciate me, and not being a burden at the same time. But why, even now, why do I still want to kill…

My mental health journal.

Recently just got to know that, just my adult psychiatric journal, or notes or whatever written from my time in the psychiatry, is basically a whole book. 100+ pages. I had literally no clue before the team leader wanted to sart seeing me on top of the mtt people that comes 3 times a week.
Not gonna lie, I thought there was probably max 7 pages, but this knowlage made me really curious about what has been written about me.
The team leader has apparently taken an interest in me since I've had so much problems for so long and shit doesn't seem to get better. So, idk, I guess he wanted to get to know me as a person, and not only everything he reads about me that is only based on my sicknesses. 
I don't have a job. I'm living on disability. But, following up on this mental health thing is basically a part time job. Getting visits from mtt 3 times a week, amb team every monday, my doc twice a month and now the leader of mtt once a week also. 
It's a safety I suppose, to hav…

Know I shouldn't restrict but...

It feels so great. And I just want to lose the weight that I've gained... I don't want to binge and purge all the time, but today I've only restricted, and in a way, it feels nice. The feeling of being hungry is kind of numbing, its addictive, its nice. Maybe if I can just try to stick to this and now go over board on binge and purge and bulimia crap, maybe I can lose some weight again without exhausting myself and destroying my teeth and esophagus? Idk, one part of me says its a bad idea, because I don't wanna relapse. But, honestly, idek. If its me or my ed voice speaking, but restrictive ed is so much better than bulimia out of control. Its less exhausting to be able to just restrict/ not eat, than purge all day, then again, it craves much more dedication.

Am I even capable of letting myself be loved?

Its such a strange, scary feeling. Letting someone in, letting someone love me, be vulnerable. Why does even this make me contemplate suicide? It's easier to die than to be loved? What is wrong with me? Why do half of me want to be left alone, while the other half of me screams and longs for something more? This is so tiresome. I don't know what to do.
One part of me long for something better. Not being alone. But its so unknown for me. I'm so used to being alone. Being hated, being ditched. I don't know if I can handle this.
I feel like, letting him in idk how I can handle it. But I know I'll also regret it if I don't. Its so exhausting.
My mom told me to take one day at a time, and don't make impulsive decisions during one of my episodes. I'm trying. It's so hard.
I'm so tempted to OD, or slit my wrists, I can't even....

Have I finally found my path in life?

So, I'll not mention any names for the sake of being anonymous and protecting other's identities, but his name starts with D so I'll just call him D.
I've been speaking with him for around 7 months now. We met on tinder, (Lol I know don't judge lmao) Anyways, he's been really patience with me, waiting for me when I've been in hospital for so long, and I've met him in real life now twice. Last time was yesterday.
We just drove around for like 5 hours, and went for a walk and talked non-stop. Feels like we have really good chemistry, he's really respectful, very understanding and patient and kind. Apparently, we have some common interests as well, and he's really optimistic and very ambitious. He has a good education, and dreams of traveling and wants to take me with him.
I don't really know what to say. He talks to me every day on message, and I'm not used to having someone like me like this. Usually I would have blocked him out of fear of a…

I was strip searched

2 days ago I had another huge mood episode. I guess, the only reason I'm still here was because I was going to kill myself the next day/ yesterday after I'd seen my mom.
Next day started out better, then towards the evening it was right back in the same mood as the day before. I don't know why this always happens but, again, I was trying to prep and brave myself up to finally doing it yesterday, when MTT came on my door to deliver my medication. I lowkey broke down and they contacted the hospital, again.
So, I'm now pretty known there... Yey... And I'm known for sneaking things with me in. So, this time, for the first time I was strip searched. I had to even remove my bra and panties. It was fucking degrading. But, I guess I understand the necessity of it, cuz I did try to sneak in a pencil sharpener, a razor and a small bag full of pills I could OD on, in my bra and boxers.... I guess, the only place they didn't search were my ponytail. So, I guess that's my …


I don't even know where to start, or what to write about. I've just been so tired lately. Haven't had much energy or motivation to do anything. Felt kind of lonely as well, I don't know what to do with my time, and my life.My posts are getting repetitive, guess they have been for a while. Guess my whole IRL diary is repetitive. But, I also suppose, my life is just the same day on repeat.
I don't even remember what day it was now, I'm having such a hard time distinguish time. It was probably last weekend or early last week? Monday maybe? I honestly don't even remember. May even be Sunday for what I know. Anyways, I had another bad self harm incident. And, they have also contacted the acute home treatment team now, who checks in on me daily. They work in the same place as the hospital that I stayed at for almost a half year, just another section I suppose, so sadly not the same people who work there.
Anyways, they have direct connection to the hospital so if shit…