I'm ending it soon. Might be my last/ one of my last posts.

Yeah, as the title says. I've decided to end my life. I have a date, a place, and a method. It's a special date. It's the same day my dad killed himself, in 2016. And it is also the day after my sister's confirmation. 

I'm looking forward to finally get peace.

I'm tired, I'm burnt out. I have nothing more to give, nothing else to try, and what could been tried, I've gotten declined for the reason that it probably wont be effective.

Therapy, medicine, ect, nothing works I guess. And I didn't even get to try ect even though it was the people at the hospital who suggested it to begin with, to then change their minds. 

Oh well, little does it matter now. I'm not even gonna argue for it anymore. Heck, I'm probably not even here anymore by the time they manage to gather everyone from the different teams to a meeting again. As they said it would be mid October. I'm planning to go October the 11th.

I was kind of dumb to impulsively tell one from mtt that I have a plan, but she doesn't know when, or where or how so it doesn't matter. 

I'm looking forward to seeing my dad, my grandpa, my dog, and everyone else again. I'm looking forward to just not having to worry about or struggle to manage everyday. 

I won't be crying wolf wolf anymore, or have more half hearted attempts, impulsively out of desperation. This is a special date, I'll die someday anyways, and after my sister's confirmation, I've nothing left for me here. It's as if its meant to be. I think I feel ready.

I don't think I'll write a letter. I've written so many letters throughout the years, and they never feel like they're good enough. There's always things I forget to say, things I say the wrong way, people being left out, and what's the point of writing about why I don't want to live anymore? I'm tired of just talking or thinking about it. And, quite frankly, the few people around me in my life, already knows all my struggles, and that I love them.

So, I'm thinking I might just keep it simple. What of my things goes to who and why, that I want to be cremated, what song I want to be played in my funeral, and who's invited and who's definitely left out for good reasons. And lastly, just a simple I'm sorry, I love you endlessly, and goodbye for now...

I guess, all I can hope for now is time to say goodbye to my family, but even that feels pointless to some extent, when they're busy with other things and I'm mostly just a load and a burden.

I'm hoping for mild temperatures, and dry weather for when I die.

I'm going to go to a outside forestry/ park/ beach place. I think, the top of the cream pie would be having a sunset and good music. Idk what it's with sunsets, it's just so symbolic for me. My dad loved sunsets, he has a sunset on his grave, when he visited me in astral projection, we were watching the sunset and holding hands, I asked him how he was, and he just looked me in the eyes and smiled the most beautiful smile.

I've had more visits from him recently in dreams too, I believe. Maybe he knows we'll see each other for real, soon.

If I get rain and freezing weather, idk what I'll do. Either follow the normal plan and place, and I guess, worse case scenario, I know a place with a roof, close to a tunnel that is closed off for the night. 

I just don't want to die at home. Its so quiet, and lonely and depressing at home. I'd rather be out in the nature. And, on top of that, my mom found my dad after he hung himself, I don't want her to find my body too. So, I guess I'll leave that to a poor passerby. Its not too crowded but not too isolated either. I don't want to disappear and people not finding me for weeks, and then finding a decomposed body either. That would just be worse, In my opinion.

Maybe, if I get another life, maybe I can be a crow, flying free, with little worries and complex problems. I dont know. But, I think I would prefer to just get complete peace of mind and body.

Death comes to everyone. Its not the opposite of life, it's just the next chapter. It's pointless to run from it, because that isn't possible. And, when you don't have a worthy life either, its pointless. It's pointless to hold tight on worldly and materialistic ideas and treasures. It's just a distraction from the true birth. Only my soul will follow me to the afterlife. And even if there were/ is no after life, I guess it must be like before I was born. Just nothing, and I'm not even aware of the fact that there is nothing. Do I fear what was before my birth? No, not really. 

Nothing isn't staring into a black fog, being conscious, having thoughts, feelings, regrets. Nothing has no time, no consciousness, no thoughts, feelings, regrets. So, even if that would be the case, living a fulfilled life is still pointless, because then you yourself wouldn't even be couscous to remember it. Just like I'm not able to know what's happening to everyone else, and how they feel around the world. Not even knowing most of them exist.

Well, this went from a depressing message, to a lot of philosophy pretty quickly, so I think I'll cut it short here.

If I don't post again before the 11th of October, then I guess this will be my goodbye.

In that case, Over and out. Take care<3