Tired

I don't even know where to start, or what to write about. I've just been so tired lately. Haven't had much energy or motivation to do anything. Felt kind of lonely as well, I don't know what to do with my time, and my life.

My posts are getting repetitive, guess they have been for a while. Guess my whole IRL diary is repetitive. But, I also suppose, my life is just the same day on repeat.

I don't even remember what day it was now, I'm having such a hard time distinguish time. It was probably last weekend or early last week? Monday maybe? I honestly don't even remember. May even be Sunday for what I know. Anyways, I had another bad self harm incident.

And, they have also contacted the acute home treatment team now, who checks in on me daily.

They work in the same place as the hospital that I stayed at for almost a half year, just another section I suppose, so sadly not the same people who work there.

Anyways, they have direct connection to the hospital so if shit goes down, they can basically get me in there on the hour, which is easier than having to go to the doctor or the ER.

Anyways, that's what happened I guess after the bad self harm incident. I had to get strips, though, stitches would probably be more useful since strips doesn't hold at all. Glue is crap as well, and holds badly and gives you burns. Won't recommend. But then again, stitches is also a big infection risk so, honestly, I've had least problems when I've just let it be, even though it would need tending to.

Anyways, I know how to treat wounds. I know how to strips, I know how to remove stitches, I know how to treat infections. (With green soap or brulidine)

Ouf, the ramble got real. I'm so unfocused.

Anyways, after the incident, I didn't have cash for the ER, and they recommended me on the strongest to get hospitalized at least over night, and said I could go directly to the B section. (Not A which is short term place, both sections are closed, so chargers etc isn't allowed though)

They also said they could fix a mattress that I had the last time because I have scoliosis, and the beds are crap, and I can't physically get out of bed in the morning after sleeping in them out of pain and stiffness.

So, I eventually got there. The doc put me on 15 min checkups. And I was there for about an hour or two before I wrote myself out against their recommendations because I couldn't get the mattress after all, and I was also sent to the A section. Even though they said I would go to B.

I guess the doc was considering sending me to B after that day but honestly... Ugh I'd rather be depressed at home with my stuff or depressed somewhere else without my stuff and with back pains as well.

So, the acute home treatment team are checking up on me every day now. Tomorrow they won't come though since both environmental therapeutic and ambulant team will come. 

I had a half crappy day yesterday as well. Purged about 5 times. But, had a movie night with my sister later that day, and that kind of saved some of my day. Though, I purged everything we ate after she left as well, so yeah. Ugh.

Yesterday before the movie night, I had a little breakdown in the car too. It went from me being agitated about food prices. Norway has the most expensive grocery prices in all of Europe. On top of that, I need gluten and lactose free, and that costs between 2-3 times as much as normal food. On top of that AGAIN, I have bulimia too, so I purge a lot, and waste a lot of food because of it, so I probably pay 5 times as much for my food, which is already ridiculously expensive here in the first place than most other people do.

My agitation and frustration escalated to me having purged so many times yesterday as well, feeling tired and depressed. Medications don't work optimally, and they give me other bad side effects. I have to choose between one bad over the other constantly, and can't just get a normal life. And then the food prices. 

Again, it lead me to think about suicide again. I even said to my mom that, if the worst were to happen one day, it's not in any way or form her fault. She and my sis is the reason I'm still here, the only one. And I'm so tired of everything, of all the trauma, all my struggles. She said it doesn't matter, she would still blame herself. But I just had to tell her, in person how much I love and appreciate her, and how much she means to me. The last thing I want to do, if or when I were to make that decision, is for them to blame themselves... But I guess, its probably inevitable.

I'm trying my best to save money for an e-bike. I really need it. I don't have a car or a license, and I don't want to be dependent on my mom to drive me around everywhere. It would also help me tremendously with grocery shopping, and just get out and get some fresh air at all. But again, its so fucking hard to save money when all of it burns away on groceries...

I've kind of made a budget now. I get 18k NOK a month. 8k for bills. Usually I've probably spent 1500-2000 NOK A WEEK on only food. But, I'm going to try my best and spend only 700 NOK a week now. That would allow me to save 7200 NOK a month, if I manage to. An E-bike costs 20-30K. I already have 6k. 

I guess, I'll just have to try my utterly best to save, and not spend more money on games, food, or shit than what I decide to. I fucking need and want that bike for so many reasons. I really hope I can do this...