Dystopion

My doctor, I guess are a mester at detecting red flags, and managed to squeeze out of me my plans. Basically, when she was asking me about my general mental health etc that she's following up, and I had problems answering... She was about to send me involuntary to the hospital then and there if I didn't tell her. So, I guess I had to come out with my official plan. Now she's gonna plan a "voluntary" hospital stay the day before/ same day after my sister's confirmation. I don't really know what to feel, other than irritation and discust. I'll still do it if/ when I get the chance. Either before, at, or after the hospital. I guess, dying in hospital would be just as good. Not at home, and not alone, and I dont have to freeze or lay out in the rain so. 

Yeah, as the title says. I've decided to end my life. I have a date, a place, and a method. It's a special date. It's the same day my dad killed himself, in 2016. And it is also the day after my sister's confirmation.  I'm looking forward to finally get peace. I'm tired, I'm burnt out. I have nothing more to give, nothing else to try, and what could been tried, I've gotten declined for the reason that it probably wont be effective. Therapy, medicine, ect, nothing works I guess. And I didn't even get to try ect even though it was the people at the hospital who suggested it to begin with, to then change their minds.  Oh well, little does it matter now. I'm not even gonna argue for it anymore. Heck, I'm probably not even here anymore by the time they manage to gather everyone from the different teams to a meeting again. As they said it would be mid October. I'm planning to go October the 11th. I was kind of dumb to impulsively tell one from

So, guess the header sums it all up. I really tried, I tried for a long time, he is an amazing person, and still, somehow it all just felt so wrong. I just get depression, anxiety, guilt, fatigue of spending time with him. I feel so shitty about it. He's an amazing guy, anyone would be so incredibly lucky to have someone like him. But still. I feel like I'm incapable of loving someone new, letting someone in. I really tried, and it's something I've really been longing for for so many years, but still, even then. I don't know if its because I'm gay, or completely asexual, or if I've developed some kind of mental disorder which blocks me from growing bonds with people. I just feel overall apathy, shame, guilt, greif. I feel dead all the time. Just like my body is a shell, and my soul is damaged. The only time I feel truly hole is when I'm with my sister. I love my mom, cousin, grandma and aunt. But my sister, my love for her just over goes it all. I love h