Incapable of love, and broke up with "D"

So, guess the header sums it all up.

I really tried, I tried for a long time, he is an amazing person, and still, somehow it all just felt so wrong. I just get depression, anxiety, guilt, fatigue of spending time with him. I feel so shitty about it. He's an amazing guy, anyone would be so incredibly lucky to have someone like him. But still.

I feel like I'm incapable of loving someone new, letting someone in. I really tried, and it's something I've really been longing for for so many years, but still, even then.

I don't know if its because I'm gay, or completely asexual, or if I've developed some kind of mental disorder which blocks me from growing bonds with people. I just feel overall apathy, shame, guilt, greif. I feel dead all the time. Just like my body is a shell, and my soul is damaged.

The only time I feel truly hole is when I'm with my sister. I love my mom, cousin, grandma and aunt. But my sister, my love for her just over goes it all. I love her as if she was a mix of my soulfriend, my sister, my best friend, someone I have to look after and be there for, as a parental role almost. I don't know how to explain it more than that.

When she's with me, and she's happy, I actually feel good, its the only time I feel truly good. All other times I just feel crap, and apathetic. And when she's struggling, my heart bleeds for her too.

I truly hate myself and my life and everything that has happened to me. I just want her to have all the best in life, and not feel alone. She's my biggest anchor to life. Just the thought of her reaction if or when I'm to kms, makes me feel sick to my stomach. 

I just want to be here and give her the best support, and care and love for as long as I can hold out. And maybe the day comes she wont need me anymore, it would be easier for both of us.

I don't  have more energy or life will to live my own life. If she wasn't here, and if I didn't feel this about her, I would have been dead long ago.

Another thing bothering me is my mom. How she keeps saying she's turning senile. How she gradually starts to forget more and more. I love my mom so much, and it's not really funny anymore either. It's been very gradually and I dont even know if its the case or if its just stress and imaginary from her part, but the thought of losing my other parent as well, or having her slowly forget us, kills me.

I don't want my sister to be alone. I don't want to be a burden. I don't want to live if I can't give anything meaningful.

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