Am I even capable of letting myself be loved?

Its such a strange, scary feeling. Letting someone in, letting someone love me, be vulnerable. Why does even this make me contemplate suicide? It's easier to die than to be loved? What is wrong with me? Why do half of me want to be left alone, while the other half of me screams and longs for something more? This is so tiresome. I don't know what to do.

One part of me long for something better. Not being alone. But its so unknown for me. I'm so used to being alone. Being hated, being ditched. I don't know if I can handle this.

I feel like, letting him in idk how I can handle it.
But I know I'll also regret it if I don't. Its so exhausting.

My mom told me to take one day at a time, and don't make impulsive decisions during one of my episodes. I'm trying. It's so hard.

I'm so tempted to OD, or slit my wrists, I can't even....

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