Dystopion

 I finally decided to quit art all together. I've wasted over 12 years for nothing. I dont get why so many others just gets thousands of followers and commissions over night after creating their art accounts. I've tried everything, and probably more than they have too, but nah. I'm born a failure, I'll die a failure. Even the one thing I was kind of confident in, was just a lie I told myself to have a purpose I guess. I keep scrolling steam too, but nothing seems interesting. Idk what to do anymore. I just end up sitting in bed staring at the screen or scrolling tiktok. Or like what I'm doing now, writing and complaining about everything, to the void.....

 I feel restless, and moody... I've started getting them mood drops again, so I sent my doc a msg about starting up on lithium again. Thought I'd be fine but apparently not. Had a bad food period also since the surgery pretty much. Eaten little, and thrown up most of what I have eaten. Checking my weight every time I'm in the bathroom. I doubt its a relapse though, I've had plenty of bad bulimia periods now that has gone over by itself. It's probably just a part of being functional bulimic lol. I feel little motivated to do anything. Tired of drawing, tired of pretty much every game I have, and then there's the nerve thing in my fingers that comes and goes on top of it. How pointless my life is lol. Alone almost 24/7. Disabled and can't do shit. Nobody ever cared about my art, even with over 10 years of work, commitment and... watching people getting thousands of followers within a couple of weeks, people with simpler art styles even. I've lost almost al

Welp. I should really start journaling more again, it's really therapeutic. I used to journal a LOT irl in like, books and stuff but, its easier digitally. And quite frankly, somehow it doesn't feel as lonely just the thought of strangers reading about my thoughts, feelings and experiences lol. I finally had my surgery a couple of weeks ago, which I'm not sure if I even mentioned in my previous post. But long story short, I have.. many health problems, mentally and physically, including pretty severe endometriosis. So I just has surgery, and removed a loooooot of sick tissue, parts of my intestines, the tumor thing and my appendix which was infested with endo tissue. My uterus has also grown stuck to another part of my intestines, so we'll consider another surgery in about 6 months, to remove my uterus, which will make me completely sterile, if I'm not already.  But that's fine with me tbh, I dont want kids, never wanted kids, I dont have health or economy to ca