My mental health journal.

Recently just got to know that, just my adult psychiatric journal, or notes or whatever written from my time in the psychiatry, is basically a whole book. 100+ pages. I had literally no clue before the team leader wanted to sart seeing me on top of the mtt people that comes 3 times a week.

Not gonna lie, I thought there was probably max 7 pages, but this knowlage made me really curious about what has been written about me.

The team leader has apparently taken an interest in me since I've had so much problems for so long and shit doesn't seem to get better. So, idk, I guess he wanted to get to know me as a person, and not only everything he reads about me that is only based on my sicknesses. 

I don't have a job. I'm living on disability. But, following up on this mental health thing is basically a part time job. Getting visits from mtt 3 times a week, amb team every monday, my doc twice a month and now the leader of mtt once a week also. 

It's a safety I suppose, to have a large support system around me, but it can be tiresome.

I barely have friends, not IRL anyways that I see. So, my days basically is just about me being home alone, feeling like crap, depressed and fucked up in the head 24/7, watching youtube, movies, series, playing games or drawing to try my best to distract myself from, and get a break from reality. Though, I have to admit that my motivation, inspiration and even general enjoyment of drawing has decreased a lot the last month++
When I finally have plans for once, its usually always health related. 

Great life am I right?

I've kept getting spammed down with snaps from someone who used to be a close friend of mine. She and other people I know from earlier life, having parties, and enjoying themselves. And I never get invited to anything. I never have. Never been one to be invited to anything. Just writing this makes me lowkey wanna kms again.

I have tried so much, and I've basically given up on contact with people. I'm having huge problems letting new people in, because of my defensive barrier.

Maybe... Maybe it is better this way. It's what I know. What I'm used to.
And, the less people I have in my life, the less people I'll hurt when I finally manage to finish it off.

I feel waves of temptation to kms all the time. It's tiresome...

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