Dystopion

It feels so great. And I just want to lose the weight that I've gained... I don't want to binge and purge all the time, but today I've only restricted, and in a way, it feels nice. The feeling of being hungry is kind of numbing, its addictive, its nice. Maybe if I can just try to stick to this and now go over board on binge and purge and bulimia crap, maybe I can lose some weight again without exhausting myself and destroying my teeth and esophagus? Idk, one part of me says its a bad idea, because I don't wanna relapse. But, honestly, idek. If its me or my ed voice speaking, but restrictive ed is so much better than bulimia out of control. Its less exhausting to be able to just restrict/ not eat, than purge all day, then again, it craves much more dedication.

Its such a strange, scary feeling. Letting someone in, letting someone love me, be vulnerable. Why does even this make me contemplate suicide? It's easier to die than to be loved? What is wrong with me? Why do half of me want to be left alone, while the other half of me screams and longs for something more? This is so tiresome. I don't know what to do. One part of me long for something better. Not being alone. But its so unknown for me. I'm so used to being alone. Being hated, being ditched. I don't know if I can handle this. I feel like, letting him in idk how I can handle it. But I know I'll also regret it if I don't. Its so exhausting. My mom told me to take one day at a time, and don't make impulsive decisions during one of my episodes. I'm trying. It's so hard. I'm so tempted to OD, or slit my wrists, I can't even....

So, I'll not mention any names for the sake of being anonymous and protecting other's identities, but his name starts with D so I'll just call him D. I've been speaking with him for around 7 months now. We met on tinder, (Lol I know don't judge lmao) Anyways, he's been really patience with me, waiting for me when I've been in hospital for so long, and I've met him in real life now twice. Last time was yesterday. We just drove around for like 5 hours, and went for a walk and talked non-stop. Feels like we have really good chemistry, he's really respectful, very understanding and patient and kind. Apparently, we have some common interests as well, and he's really optimistic and very ambitious. He has a good education, and dreams of traveling and wants to take me with him. I don't really know what to say. He talks to me every day on message, and I'm not used to having someone like me like this. Usually I would have blocked him out of fear of

2 days ago I had another huge mood episode. I guess, the only reason I'm still here was because I was going to kill myself the next day/ yesterday after I'd seen my mom. Next day started out better, then towards the evening it was right back in the same mood as the day before. I don't know why this always happens but, again, I was trying to prep and brave myself up to finally doing it yesterday, when MTT came on my door to deliver my medication. I lowkey broke down and they contacted the hospital, again. So, I'm now pretty known there... Yey... And I'm known for sneaking things with me in. So, this time, for the first time I was strip searched. I had to even remove my bra and panties. It was fucking degrading. But, I guess I understand the necessity of it, cuz I did try to sneak in a pencil sharpener, a razor and a small bag full of pills I could OD on, in my bra and boxers.... I guess, the only place they didn't search were my ponytail. So, I guess that's m

I don't even know where to start, or what to write about. I've just been so tired lately. Haven't had much energy or motivation to do anything. Felt kind of lonely as well, I don't know what to do with my time, and my life. My posts are getting repetitive, guess they have been for a while. Guess my whole IRL diary is repetitive. But, I also suppose, my life is just the same day on repeat. I don't even remember what day it was now, I'm having such a hard time distinguish time. It was probably last weekend or early last week? Monday maybe? I honestly don't even remember. May even be Sunday for what I know. Anyways, I had another bad self harm incident. And, they have also contacted the acute home treatment team now, who checks in on me daily. They work in the same place as the hospital that I stayed at for almost a half year, just another section I suppose, so sadly not the same people who work there. Anyways, they have direct connection to the hospital so if

So, time goes. Been home for about a month now. I kind of miss the nurses back at the hospital. Some more than others. Especially the primary nurse I had from start to finish. I feel like we became quite good friends over the past half year... Sadly, due to restrictions and rules, I'm not allowed to stay in contact with her. But, what did I expect. I have one single friend IRL that I see every other month or so. Its kind of lonely, but, I'm also used to it so. It was quite a bit of a shock when I just came home again, from being surrounded by nurses and doctors at all minutes of the day, to being completely back on my own again. But, I'm starting to get used to it again. I've started getting to know some of the people in my environmental therapeutic team. There's one in particular I'm starting to get good contact with. Apparently, she's struggled with self harm etc. before as well. It's not nice that it's the case, but in a way, I feel good about hav

I've decided to try my luck at another blog site. I will keep my identity anonymous, so you can refer to me as Dystopion. My blog is a way for me to journal, more in depth. I have a journal irl as well, but sometimes I find it better, quicker and so on to just write on a computer. My blog will be related to my everyday life, struggles and achievements. I might as well put in a TRIGGER WARNING  right here. Because this blog, as well as the link to my previous one, contains descriptive topics of mental health, selv harm, suicide attempts and idealization, Bulimia and eating disorder problematic, trauma from multiple life events, multiple dramatic family deaths, and bullying. My intent is not to trigger anyone or negatively affect anyone. So, if you find any of these topics triggering, please, for your sake and for my own self worth, please find something more positive to read than this blog. My intent is neither to obtain any form of "attention" or sympathy. Hence why I kee