I was strip searched

2 days ago I had another huge mood episode. I guess, the only reason I'm still here was because I was going to kill myself the next day/ yesterday after I'd seen my mom.

Next day started out better, then towards the evening it was right back in the same mood as the day before. I don't know why this always happens but, again, I was trying to prep and brave myself up to finally doing it yesterday, when MTT came on my door to deliver my medication. I lowkey broke down and they contacted the hospital, again.

So, I'm now pretty known there... Yey... And I'm known for sneaking things with me in. So, this time, for the first time I was strip searched. I had to even remove my bra and panties. It was fucking degrading. But, I guess I understand the necessity of it, cuz I did try to sneak in a pencil sharpener, a razor and a small bag full of pills I could OD on, in my bra and boxers....
I guess, the only place they didn't search were my ponytail. So, I guess that's my next hiding spot.

I even had to wear a ugly fucking fishnet panties for the night.... and hospital PJ's.

I think they're going to call in for a meeting with my health team at the hospital, and again discuss ECT treatment again.
It had earlier kind of been decided that I was going to undergo ECT, and then it was cancelled, and re-decided and cancelled again, because they're unsure of how effective it'll be for me. It's effective for mania, psychosis and depression. But my depression is so up and down and swingy, it isn't really that even, so they don't know how effective I'll be. But I guess, it's better to try and maybe it works and if it doesn't then it doesn't. But if it did work.... Wouldn't be anything to regret?

Anyways, I'm home again now. 

On Saturday, I have plans with a guy I've been talking to for 6-7 months now. Think we're gonna watch a movie or something at my place, idk. But I'm kinda looking forward to it. I hope things work out between us. But I'll take a day at a time. I need time. It's hard for me to let people in.

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