Dystopion

 I feel restless, and moody... I've started getting them mood drops again, so I sent my doc a msg about starting up on lithium again. Thought I'd be fine but apparently not. Had a bad food period also since the surgery pretty much. Eaten little, and thrown up most of what I have eaten. Checking my weight every time I'm in the bathroom. I doubt its a relapse though, I've had plenty of bad bulimia periods now that has gone over by itself. It's probably just a part of being functional bulimic lol. I feel little motivated to do anything. Tired of drawing, tired of pretty much every game I have, and then there's the nerve thing in my fingers that comes and goes on top of it. How pointless my life is lol. Alone almost 24/7. Disabled and can't do shit. Nobody ever cared about my art, even with over 10 years of work, commitment and... watching people getting thousands of followers within a couple of weeks, people with simpler art styles even. I've lost almost al

Welp. I should really start journaling more again, it's really therapeutic. I used to journal a LOT irl in like, books and stuff but, its easier digitally. And quite frankly, somehow it doesn't feel as lonely just the thought of strangers reading about my thoughts, feelings and experiences lol. I finally had my surgery a couple of weeks ago, which I'm not sure if I even mentioned in my previous post. But long story short, I have.. many health problems, mentally and physically, including pretty severe endometriosis. So I just has surgery, and removed a loooooot of sick tissue, parts of my intestines, the tumor thing and my appendix which was infested with endo tissue. My uterus has also grown stuck to another part of my intestines, so we'll consider another surgery in about 6 months, to remove my uterus, which will make me completely sterile, if I'm not already.  But that's fine with me tbh, I dont want kids, never wanted kids, I dont have health or economy to ca

 Hello! Apparently I have completely forgotten about this "blog" of mine. Im struggling to remember as i see it also. I just found it in my book marks. Seems like I've posted dark shit here indeed. I have had 14 ect's now, and that might have had a role with my memory. That aside, I'm doing fairly good now actually. I have bought my own appartement, and my cat have moved back in with me.  I guess the biggest "event" forward is a surgery I'll be having to remove a tumor on the 19th this month. Wish me luck. (Its non cancerous so dw, ill be fine) Other than that, I dont really know what else to write about at this moment, maybe I'll be back sometime. Idk if anyone read my 'blog'? or not, but I guess, if anyone did, and was wondering, I'll let you know, I'm doing fine now :3

Damn, what a year it has been. Apologies for not updating earlier. I just wanted to say that I'm doing much better. Yeah, I was kind of hospitalized against my will, again, but I guess I clearly needed it.  I have now had a series of 12 ECT treatments as well. I would recommend that to anyone with severe depression. Also, my diagnosis was changed to bipolar.  I will have a couple maintenance ECT treatments later at some point to prevent relapse. Other than that, I do have pretty bad short term memory now because of that, but it'll probably go over by itself sometime soon. I have much more to write about, but I'll have to do that later at some point. I'm physically very drained. But other than that, I'm actually doing fine, for the first time in, idek, 10+ years. I hope it stays this way. I was also put on a couple more medications as well so, now it's kind of embarrassing seeing all the different types. We're talking about stepping down and stop with one of

My doctor, I guess are a mester at detecting red flags, and managed to squeeze out of me my plans. Basically, when she was asking me about my general mental health etc that she's following up, and I had problems answering... She was about to send me involuntary to the hospital then and there if I didn't tell her. So, I guess I had to come out with my official plan. Now she's gonna plan a "voluntary" hospital stay the day before/ same day after my sister's confirmation. I don't really know what to feel, other than irritation and discust. I'll still do it if/ when I get the chance. Either before, at, or after the hospital. I guess, dying in hospital would be just as good. Not at home, and not alone, and I dont have to freeze or lay out in the rain so. 

Yeah, as the title says. I've decided to end my life. I have a date, a place, and a method. It's a special date. It's the same day my dad killed himself, in 2016. And it is also the day after my sister's confirmation.  I'm looking forward to finally get peace. I'm tired, I'm burnt out. I have nothing more to give, nothing else to try, and what could been tried, I've gotten declined for the reason that it probably wont be effective. Therapy, medicine, ect, nothing works I guess. And I didn't even get to try ect even though it was the people at the hospital who suggested it to begin with, to then change their minds.  Oh well, little does it matter now. I'm not even gonna argue for it anymore. Heck, I'm probably not even here anymore by the time they manage to gather everyone from the different teams to a meeting again. As they said it would be mid October. I'm planning to go October the 11th. I was kind of dumb to impulsively tell one from