Dystopion

 I haven't written any updates in a while. Guess its about time now... I'm still alive, for now, so, yeah. Not quite sure what to write about. But, I guess I'll start with the fact that I'm now being checked for ME/ CFS. Or, chronic fatigue syndrome for those who don't know. My doctor said she's already convinced that I have it, but for formal reasons, I have to answer forms and get my iron levels back on normal etc to get the official diagnosis. My mood has been... Swingy as usual. I also got payed back quite a bit on my insurance from the time I spent in hospital. So, that's how I managed to get the e-bike I've been wanting to buy for so long now finally. I didn't think I'd be able to get it before next spring, but positively surprised. I haven't used it too much yet, due to bad weather and my general well being. But I did use it on my way last time to my doctor. And 2 biking trips, on better days or evenings rather. It was in the nick of t...

Constant war in my head. Live or die. It's so tiresome. I don't know what to do or how to cope. I'm just out of words as well. I don't know what to say, think or write about anymore. I have periods where my mood is just flat, and then I have the really depressive drops. Suicidal idealization and imagination non stop.  I'm trying to distract myself, with art, games, series, car rides... Nothing works. Nothing gives me joy, and even things that used to help me to some degrees are starting to fail. I have met "D" multiple times now. It's been nice. I've had good times, and been talkative, and worse days. Last time he held my hand during the whole car trip. It was nice, but also so unknown territory for me. It scares me.  I know I'm probably closer than ever to maybe get a life, colorful days, new experiences, feeling as if someone needs me, want me, appreciate me, and not being a burden at the same time. But why, even now, why do I still want to k...

Recently just got to know that, just my adult psychiatric journal, or notes or whatever written from my time in the psychiatry, is basically a whole book. 100+ pages. I had literally no clue before the team leader wanted to sart seeing me on top of the mtt people that comes 3 times a week. Not gonna lie, I thought there was probably max 7 pages, but this knowlage made me really curious about what has been written about me. The team leader has apparently taken an interest in me since I've had so much problems for so long and shit doesn't seem to get better. So, idk, I guess he wanted to get to know me as a person, and not only everything he reads about me that is only based on my sicknesses.  I don't have a job. I'm living on disability. But, following up on this mental health thing is basically a part time job. Getting visits from mtt 3 times a week, amb team every monday, my doc twice a month and now the leader of mtt once a week also.  It's a safety I suppose, to ...